Enough days and weeks have passed since the realization has been made that I will likely be amongst the unemployed in the upcoming months. The weight of what that means has begun to sink in. I am now beyond the initial 'relief' at the idea of being released from a job I no longer enjoyed
( okay...I'll be real... LOATHED) . The initial 'excitement' of new prospects has started to wane. The momentary delusion that I allowed myself to joyously roll around in has halted.
I am not selfish enough to not get that this layoff will affect my entire family. But I think I was naive enough to not understand to what degree.
I have been so blessed to have married a hard working man. A man that puts mine and our children's needs before his own at all times.... and I am sure, beyond a doubt, I have been lax in thanking him for that.
What you need to know first is this .....the man I agreed to marry was as laid back as you could get and still have a pulse. Seriously! Nothing other than perhaps, sports, could get a rise out of him.... and he took each moment as it came. He was the Ying to my Yang for sure! Now.....the man I woke up to the day after we were married..... worried about everything !! From supporting me to maintaining our home to providing for our children. With each arrival of these events brought a new level of worry to him. And it hadn't gone unnoticed. Our roles had essentially reversed in the stress department. There has been many a time over the course of our 11 year marriage that I have tried to convince him that he needed to relax and that doing all of this worrying wouldn't change a thing. " Things will work out....they will be fine", I've said. And here were are again. But I don't know that I'm convincing.
For the last year, as the 'environment' (as they call it) at my job has suggested that my days would be numbered.....I have warned my husband it was coming. Talking with him about how we needed to start thinking of what we will do if and when the day comes. And with that....another level of worry. He has known for as long as I have that this day would arrive. But when I gave him the news that it was almost a certainty, I didn't pick up on his silence. I thought..... he heard what I said, he isn't shocked and we'll deal with it when it gets here in the next few months. I completely misread him!!! This man, who has been my partner for 17 years, in his silence, was able to fool me. And the idiot that I am.... I didn't see the immediate 'panic' if you will, that really took him over. Because it was within the next day or two that he didn't put in his normal 13 hours a day at work....he put in 24. He started to pick up doubles at least twice a week and then it was weekends too, all without a single complaint. Calls home to wish us a "Good Morning" now started with " I was thinking......" telling me his thoughts from the dead of the night when he should have been sleeping.
I have been mentally prepared for the financial hit my bank account would take as a result of all of this. But I have not braced myself for the impact it was going to have on my husband. And I feel guilty and sad and sorry and frustrated and angry. I want to SCREAM and FLAIL MY ARMS at whoever 'THEY' are who has driven this country into such a state that we can no longer survive on one income and allow mothers to be home to raise their children. I want to scratch the eyes out of 'THOSE PEOPLE' who have driven this economy into such a ditch that my husband can't sleep at night. He is hard working and he is honest and God D@*& IT....he deserves an uninterrupted nights sleep at the very, very least!!
I have not braced myself for the impact all of this is bound to take on our health. I know from personal experience what stress can do to a body. It has caused me an illness and two separate ten day stints in a hospital, one of which almost killed me. My teeth are breaking from clenching my jaws and the consideration of anti anxiety meds has entered into my mind more than once. But I refuse to not be able to cope. I CAN DO THIS!!! But....can he? And why does he have to???
As I write this, the pains in my belly have increased since the beginning of the week and I haven't felt well ( Oh, hello Mr. Crohns... it's been a few yeas since I've seen you!). I foresee stress and tension being the 'environment' in my home. Another Friday night with just me and the boys will happen while we watch my husband walk out the door for work, on only a 2 hour nap at best, to complete his 24 hour shift.
I just want to BREATHE! For the last several weeks I feel like I have been holding my breath....... as if that will somehow make this whole process speed up and be over and done with. When I tell my friends for the first time that I will likely be laid off in October, I almost feel like I am not being truthful. That I am totally lying and it's not really going to happen. Why is that??? Denial? Or is it this awesome ability I have to dissociate? I know it's going to happen and, at this point, I can't wait for it to happen so I can get busy getting on with whatever comes next. My head space feels too full and consumed with ' what am I going to do' to worry about what I have to do now. With every email that comes in and with every request that is being followed up on....I just want to look at them and be like ' REALLY?? ' I'm making amateur mistakes at a job I have spent years perfecting and I don't care ( although that's really not true). But what I have to realize is.....they don't know what I know. They don't know that in 8 -12 weeks I will be sending an email of my own saying good-bye and thanking them for this wonderful experience... blah blah blah. I need to stop that. I am more professional than to behave this way. But I can't get away from this feeling of holding my breath as we prepare for impact.
And then....... there are my two crazy, fun, funny, gorgeous boys! It has not been lost on them that changes are coming our way. They have picked up on the fact that " Mommy will be home now". And all they want to know is......." Mom, can we get a dog...now that you'll be home?" Humph!! Gotta love them!!!
